Journal of a Divorce because the will to love fights a hard battle

Journal of a Divorce

10:30 p.m. April 29, 1993
I had originally planned to use this journal in the vein that it was given; love. However after the last few days I have been through I must use it to relieve the pain of being in a situation of no escape. Yet I know I cannot stay. I am afraid all the time. I never know when he is going to loose control or who is going to get hurt or what will be damaged.
Tonight as I watched him spill his drink down his shirt and his soup in his lap he told one of the most influential men from my company to kick his dog in the head I knew there was no way to live with this indignity.-- I cannot count the times that he has acted that way in front of people I work with. Such potential yet no ambition. I don't understand. My heart breaks to see this gentle man turn into a staggering fool. There is nothing left but for me and the girls to go it on our own from here. I know of no other way.

April 30,1993
I tell him what he did and he only looks at me bewildered He doesn't even remember. God help me. He doesn't remember trying to punch me when I took his keys. He doesn't know why his knuckles are busted and bruised.

July 27,1993
Oh God. I filed a restraining order against my husband today. Why did he have to turn on the girls. I was working out of town for the day. Why couldn't he wait for me to get home. He could have beat me instead of hitting a little girl. The whole neighborhood knows he is an abuser and I am an idiot. I thought since I stood up to him he would stop. He only backed off me to start on the girls and when he finished he scared them into not telling me about his abuse and rage. How many times have I thought they were safe when they really were not. Will I ever know.

July 28, 1993
Only graphite and lined page before me and my heart dripping in my hand. How will I ever make it through this? The restraining order in effect only 24 hours and I feel like I could die. How do I feed them? How do I pay the bills?

August 15, 1993
I will be 32 years old tomorrow. Tomorrow I take my husband, lover, father to my children to court. This is supposed to be a joyful time yet the birthdays that I can remember Elvis died I had a hysterectomy my husband tried to kill me with a pistol and I am taking my husband to court.

August 16, 1993
Dressed like a bankers wife I meet my attorney- look my husband in the eye, tell the judge he put a gun to my head and abused my children- Happy Birthday- Not a good place to be on your birthday is it the judge ask.
His mom and dad don't seem to be able to understand. What else could I do?

August 19, 1993
Soul searching is the hardest thing in the world to do when the shadows of the past run a muck. You never know whose eyes you can trust to be true. Casualties of my life's war fall in the darkened alleyway and I still have to face another day. The freedom of truth cost dearly as the friendly eyes of the present swell with the secret tears of the past. I have to face yet another day of churning as the predictability of human nature rings true.

I would have understood if he had told me he was having a hard time dealing with my being sick so he had an affair. But when he said it was because I was not there for him I was heartbroken. I was not there for him because I was bedridden for 3 months with meningitis.

August 20, 1993
Nancy, Donna, Debbie my saving grace, all just listen and try to help as best they can. I don't know what help I need. Nothing will make the pain of loosing the love of my life go away.

August 24,1993
Boxes, Boxes in a stack filled with emotions and things I lack. Afraid of the answers, not knowing the questions, searching the soul for lost reflections. Where do I stop to find the truth, Why does it hurt so much, Why do I flinch at his tender touch. Curled in a ball, embryo. Revealing the time when I didn't know all the pain this world can hold. Boxes, boxes deeper still looking for truths I may never fill. Boxes, boxes everywhere, the covers taped, the covers sealed. If I don't get away from him everything that I am will be destroyed.

August 26,1993
Time passes so quickly as summer turns to fall and the autumn winds bring rain. Will we ever survive the evening storms of a marriage gone haywire?


1st appointment at Legal Aid

Tattered carpet on the floor to match no 'welcome mat' at the door. What is broken besides the box of toys in the corner? Me, I'm broke, 12 dollars to my name, name that isn't even mine. My marriage broken a very long time. Legal aid is free if you qualify and have time to wait I've gone from 60 thousand a year to broke with one swift punch. I've waited twelve years for this madness to end. Divorce nine months from start to finish. Longer that my courtship, harder than death, same as dying, feel like crying, children drifting, thoughts slipping. Why did it take so long? Because the will to love fights a hard battle. My stomach aches, I taste blood as my heart breaks.

August 27,1993
I've hung out a shingle, HANDY MAN SPECIAL: Single mother of four; lonesome, afraid, broke. Broken spirit, broken heart? How do I mend this?

August 29, 1993
The hard is what makes it great-if it wasn't hard everyone would do it. (I just might make it after all) Will he ever know how I felt all those years and does it really matter. I know how I feel now; I am better and get stronger each day.

Oct 1,1993
He got DUI today. His true colors surface for the world to see as I stop running block for him. You’re on your own from here on out big boy. Can't blame me anymore.

I can't light your path for you anymore. I must go before I loose myself in the shadows of your journey. The trail you choose to follow has started to grow over with vines of pain, slowly choking me. My soul blood runs free from the scrapes from the vine's thorns and I am becoming weak. I know I must flee and mend my wounds before I slip into unconsciousness. The edge of your darkness is far to craggy for me to balance and I find myself about to topple over the edge. I wish you God-speed and safe passage but you must go it alone without me from here. The voyage you must take from here is filled with too many sea dragons cresting with the tide and I have had to slay too many for you already.

January 6, 1995
I look back at my writing and realize how far I have come and it is wonderful and exciting. I am no longer afraid of the things that go bump in the night or anothers caress. I'm going to be ok.

January 12,1995
He said once that no one had ever taken care of me the way he had and no one ever would. He's right! I can do it better and I will. My four little angel girls adjusting well to the peace of consistency and schedules. We will be fine in spite of him and his thinking that a mother of four, on chemotherapy with only GED can't make it without him.
30,1993